Log in

your stories my alibis [entries|friends|calendar]
I'll spill my heart for you...

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

so confused [Wednesday, June 11, 2008 at: 12:21 am]
I really don't know where to start...
nothing seems to be going right.. it's just all wrong and it feels as if im losing everything.
i spose even if i didnt message he wouldnt know anyway, he doesnt wait up like he used to.. or just doesnt feel the need to message back a simple okay i love you sleep tight... again like he used to...
my hearts torn into a million pieces and im puttin on this whole act as if im okay.
i dont know whetheer to break up, go on a break or stay because either way i know im not happy...
breaking up will only result in losing him for good.. and i cant stand that because hes so much apart of my life.. with out him im just not me anymore... but lately it feels like im missing something.
i miss the guy who was all cute and affectionate.. it kills me because i know ive changed... but hes changed too.. and in a way it doesnt feel like we are for each other anymore..
my hearts breaking just saying all this..
i miss him everyday and the way we used to be.. i never used to care when i saw couples holding hands cuddling.. but now that i know were not that it makes me so sad, it almost feels like were only friends, friends who have sex, friends who hook up.. it hurts.. because we have never been simply just friends.
i want to cry because it feels as if im trying so hard to makes something well when i already no that its just not meant to be.
i love him. i do.
but i think were both feeling the same thing.. and its one of those things that just feel like it will eventually come to an end no matter how hard you try.
someone who hurt me once said that..
i hate saying it.. but i think i understand it now
i have grown being in this relationship... but at the same time i feel we have grown up and apart instead of together..
i miss the way it used to be
i miss him
i miss us
i wish it was just better
i wish i never screwed up
i just wish things were different

read 1 comment edit add

late night rant [Saturday, April 19, 2008 at: 1:47 am]
so the other day.. i went to one of those pawn stores.. u know those second hand dealer things.. i have this mobile that i bought off a friend for 300.. he works for three.. but got it in a dodgy way and was selling them.. so im like meeeeh i need a new phone i can move to three..
so i did.. but three was just to expensive.. so obviously NO DICE
ANYWAY so i got off three went to voda blah blah so i have this pretty good fone lying around so i decided to cash it in... may aswell still brand new.. so i go in the guy asks me where i got the fone etc etc and im lyk oh i bought it off a friend.. and he goes is it stolen?
and im lyk.. no.. obviously it was.. but it just never clicked anyway hes like do u trust ur friend and im lyk.. yess???
anyway what happend was that if the fone i cashed in was stolen and a company had reported that fone stolen they can trace it back to me press charges for theft.. even tho i didnt steal it.. anyway so really what happend being the stupid idiot i am i cashed it in... so now... if my entired are from within a jail you'll all know why.
abslute bullshit if u ask me.
i went to the rsl tonight.. pretty okay.
lost 10 buks on the pokies.. im just havin no luck at all with those things anymore.
but whatever.

im tired.

comment edit add

lalala [Wednesday, April 2, 2008 at: 6:15 pm]
well.. it deffinately has been a while since my last decent update.
my life since then you ask?
well you see... i am in a great relationship with an amazing boy whos helped me so much. i love him with all my heart and i dont think i could be any happier.
I'm currently doing interior design at CATC which is awesome. i actually dont hate my teachers which is a massive first i normally hate them all cause theyre frustrating moles.
family life as usual has never been normal. still as crazy as ever.
3 new people added to the crappy group.
in all honesty.. i dont think ive warmed up to them. dont think i will either.
i dont like the boy. i hate him in fact.
like... hate.
id compare it with my great dislike for vegetables.
thats how much i hate him.
i think hes disgusting. and makes me feel disgusting.
i hate how my parents just pretend that nothings happend when alot has.
they play the well known game of happy families.
and i as usual have the lead roll of being the biggest pretender.
so everything is pretty peachy apart from the family.
i love my mum.
just hate how shes so weak.
i need a new job.
i think that plays a major part to some of my daily worrys. money.. but i actually need money for college its pretty expensive.. and mums stuggling with money atm too.
she needs a new job..
the my dads kids.. those 3 additions to the family. god. i dont mind the two girls just hate the boy.
i want to kill hiim sometimes he just annoys him.his mere presence makes me want to vomit.
i hate him i really do.
comment edit add

[Thursday, June 14, 2007 at: 8:06 am]
Before the beginning of world war two, homosexual people in germany experienced a great deal of freedom
and acceptance in society than anywhere else in the world.
Berlin was considered a liberal city with many gay bars, nightclubs and cabarets.
However upon the rise of Adolf Hitler, gay men and to a lesser extent, lesbians were two of several groups
targeted by the Nazi Party and were ultimately
among the roster of Holocaust victims.
The Nazis believed that male homosexuals were weak, effeminate men who could not fight for the German nation.
They saw homosexuals as unlikely to produce children and increase the German birthrate.,
As part of the Nazis' attempt to purify German society and propagate an "Aryan master race,"
they condemned homosexuals as "socially aberrant." Soon after taking office on January 30, 1933,
Hitler banned all homosexual and lesbian organizations. Brownshirted storm troopers raided the institutions
and gathering places of homosexuals. Greatly weakened and driven underground, this subculture had flourished in the
relative freedom of the 1920s, in the pubs and cafes of Berlin, Hamburg, Munich, Bremen, and other cities.
Any homosexuals within the Nazi party itself were murdered.
Under the revised Paragraph 175 and the creation of Special Office II S, the number of prosecutions increased sharply, peaking in the years 1937-1939. Half of all convictions for homosexual activity under the Nazi regime occurred during these years. The police stepped up raids on homosexual meeting places, seized address books of arrested men to find additional suspects, and created networks of informers to compile lists of names and make arrests.
An estimated 1.2 million men were homosexuals in Germany in 1928. Between 1933-45,
an estimated 100,000 men were arrested as homosexuals, and of these, some 50,000 officially defined
homosexuals were sentenced. Most of these men spent time in regular prisons, and an estimated 5,000 to 15,000
of the total sentenced were incarcerated in concentration camps.
comment edit add

[Wednesday, May 16, 2007 at: 2:45 am]
What is your weakness? What is your kryptonite? What will make u duck and run for cover at the very thought of? No one in this world can say that they are such a strong person, that nothing can weaken them. Everyone has something that may bring them down. Everyone has a weakness. Everyone buckles in the shadows of their own forms of kryptonite; that they face in everyday life. For some its love, for some its hurtful words, for others is the very thought of loosing someone they care about.
We can all sit back and think to ourselves: ‘I’m not afraid of anything’ that does not automatically mean that you do not have a weakness. But being afraid or scared of something isn’t necessarily a bad thing, its called being humane…we can melt with three simple words:…I love you! If spoken with true emotion and true thought the world stops and the moment is warm and pure. We find ourselves craving the one thing we know is bad for us and won’t stop yearning for it till the sweet taste of chocolate is trickling down our throats. We cringe at the thought of being shot and the pain that comes with it that will ultimately lead to our death
A person’s kryptonite varies from person to person.
It can be in the form of a bee sting to a persons incurable retail therapy, which by the way can prove to be very costly depending on the situation that has given u no other choice but to relax with.. a bit of retail therapy.
Who would have thought that the line ‘ you like romantic movies and you never will forget the way it felt when romeo kissed julliet…’ could have such an impact on you.. to produce tears from your eyes and act like a complete moron and start whimpering over it?
But wait it gets better ‘I can love you like that, I would make you my world, move heaven and earth if you were my girl..’ ah yeah! That line gets me every time. I’m a sucker for love. But I’m not afraid of it, I’m just your typical hopeless romantic that can be swept off their feet if someone were to recite a few lines from Shakespeare. Boy did that guy feel love or what?
It’s crazy just how badly you want something that is definitely not good for you. Take junk food for example; we know its not good for our health but we just can’t help but indulge ourselves.
A kryptonite is something that we know we fear, WHEN WE FEAR SOMEONE OR SOMETHING, WE GIVE THAT PERSON OR THING POWER OVER US. This ultimately becomes our weakness, we leave ourselves open and become vulnerable to pain and scar tissue that will inevitably lead to hesitation in life situations… But we should embrace it and overcome it so we can better ourselves. It is something to put up a wall and slow the pace of our everyday life, so we can take a good look at our surroundings, and truly appreciate what we have. If we didn’t have that little something to bring us down to earth and ground us, then our heads would be the size of Jupiter by now.
Think of it like this, if we didn’t have a kryptonite, we would have overshot our goal in life. Look at all the paraplegics in the Paralympics, look how far they have come, they have used their greatest weakness to their advantage; and so can you.
I believe it was Mandela who said it best in his 1996 inaugural speech:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us
comment edit add

" and i wouldve stayed up with you all night..." [Saturday, March 10, 2007 at: 12:33 pm]
How to save a life - The fray..

song im most obsessed with atm.
welity welity.. whats new?
i dno.. half yearlys are round the corner and can u believe ive been sum what studying!
i kno its amazing!
hmmm my love life. maybe i should update on that since al past journal entries seem to revolve around that.
WELL.. i dno about my love life.. its confusing.. interestingly confusing.
wont go into it coz id be here forever trying to explain how everythings works and how i met this person etc etc.
maybe another time. lol
team vag.. my friends are beautiful.. although sum things arent working out with certain ppl..
and i think we both feel the same on the issue.
i spose weve just changed too much for things to be the way they were.
we grew up.. apart form each other and sum things we can no longer share because weve experienced it at a different rate to the other.
maybe we need the sepereation to find ourselves again.. just like what happend with hayley and lawson.. ooh gtg finish this later.
comment edit add

'to you my favourite mistake...' [Sunday, February 25, 2007 at: 11:35 am]
LOL ever wanted sumthing you cant have?
things have just gotten more complicated.
its not that i cant have it.. its a matter of getting it thats hard.
god i love teenage drama.

comment edit add

' maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her...' [Saturday, February 24, 2007 at: 3:15 pm]
white house's -Vanessa Carlton

heaps awesome song =)
well.. I'm currently ar work and am bored out of my brains.
I have nothing to do, well actually I do.. i have homework, but updating my livejournal seemed some what more enticing than doing maths.

comment edit add

[Tuesday, February 13, 2007 at: 10:15 am]
Valentines day

this time last year... i bought a single rose for myself..
i go on retreat soonish.. lol like tomoz..
up at woop woop.
i dno where.. should be good i spose?
i got flowers from this guy.. for valentines day.. heaps sweet singapore orchids =)
i love singapore orhcids..
see i got them just before vday coz i wont be here on vday.
welp.. cant wait till retreat.. really should start packing.
im hell tired.. did an all nighter for bio/maths
fucking stupidity if u ask me.
oh wel.
gotta love the stress.
makes u feel alive. lol
mkay im bored already.
comment edit add

Kobe =) [Tuesday, February 6, 2007 at: 7:45 pm]
I remember when i first saw kobe, i was soooo excited, i knew she had a slight heart murmur, but didnt want to tell my dad otherwise he wouldnt agree to takin her..
she seemed perfect in every way... i wanted a golden retriever and i found one on the net that didnt require me to drive 100000000km our of sydney to get the dog i wanted..
kobe, was infact in penrith.. the last one left, and the lady gave her to me free because shehad a slight heart murmur but i was reassured nevertheless that it wouldnt affect who she was.
SO i got her=)
we shared some what similar birthdays..
I think we needed her more than she needed us... it didnt bring us as a family closer together, but kobe was somethin we all had in common..
each of us had a different connection with her.. for my brother as he put it.. she was infact his best friend.
as stupid as it sounds with me... i felt like she was the only person that couldnt judge me, talk back, criticse back stab or hurt me emotionally.. physically yes :p
yes.. she a dog.. she cant talk.. but if ur that attached to a pet.. as i was.. u begin to personifize them..
Now that Kobe is gone... it feels like i have actually lost a best friend.
a human being.
Dogs really are a mans best friend.. but ur relationship with ur pet can become so strong that to you they do become a person.
I regret slacking off with taking care of her, and i guess that only shows that you shouldnt take things for granted.. i was the only one who knew that kobe would infact die earlier than what would be expected of her.. yet i took the time i had with her for granted.
but she had her own personality... she was beautiful in everyway possible, and i miss that already... the one perosn who would smile at you after a bad day.. someone you could hug after uve been crying, the only person i could ever show any affection to and actually admit to loving her with all my heart.
but to me she became a person.
She died early this morning after i got home from dancing, as if she was waiting for me to come home before she could leave.
i miss her.
read 1 comment edit add

' tell me that its over, and il be the first to go...' [Sunday, January 7, 2007 at: 2:46 am]
so.. its over?
i never posted on here when it began...
well he cheated on me and thats that...
i dont know how im meant to feel, it just hurts.. i never thought itd happen to me.
and the worst thing is i saw it all coming but never did anything..
i remember sayin that i needed a reason to break up with him.. and i spose i got it?
i wish it didnt end the way it did, i never thought id be cheated on, and i never thought hed do it to me.. i spose thats jus whats bitten me in the arse hardcore.
i wish i didnt feel..
it sucks how i decided to take a chance for once and it all just backfires on me..
i know what iw as like before this.. i never had feelings for anyone. i never let myself.. and for this to happen.. arghhh.
it just fuckin pisses me off.
ive never felt so stupid, its like everyone but me knew what was going on, and theyre all just sittin there thinkin.. fuck little does that girl know but her bfs cheating on her..
i dont know what i feel.. i really dont know how to react, im just all shocked that he actually did that, and more than once?
fuck i feel like a dick head.
gosh talk about feeling insecure about urself.
there goes myself esteem.. man the way i see it for anyone to be cheated on they must have really thought the relationship they were in was shit house.
well thats OHKAY lol i spose hayley fuckin did jinx me with my relationships..
welp ladies and gentlemen heres the first shit relationship, tune in for the next couple of hundred yet to come.
i fucking hate boys.
comment edit add

meh. [Sunday, October 15, 2006 at: 10:48 pm]
My sexy love... (so sexy...)

[Verse 1]
She makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up
Just one touch
And I errupt like a volcano and cover her with my love
Babygirl you make me say (Ohh ohhh ohhhh)
And I just can't think (of anything else I'd rather do)
Than to hear you sing (sing my name the way you do)
When we do our thing (when we do the things we do)
Babygirl you make me say (Ohh ohhh ohhhh)

Sexy love girl the things you do
(Oh baby baby) Keep me sprung, keep running back to you
Oh I love making love to you
Babygirl you know you're my (sexy love...)

[Verse 2]
I'm so addicted to her she's the sweetest drug
Just enough
Still too much say that I simp and I'm sprung all of the above
I can't help she makes me say (Ohh ohhh ohhhh)
And I just can't think (of anything else I'd rather do)
Than to hear you sing (sing my name the way you do)
When we do our thing (when we do the things we do)
Oh, Babygirl you make me say (Ohh ohhh ohhhh)

Sexy love girl the things you do
(Oh baby baby) Keep me sprung, keep running back to you
Oh I love making love to you
Say babygirl you know you're my (sexy love...)

[Verse 3]
Oh baby what we do it makes the sun come up
Keep on lovin' 'til it goes back down
And I don't know what I'd do if I would lose your touch
That's why I'm always keepin' you around... my sexy love

Sexy love girl the things you do (things you do baby)
(Oh baby baby) Keep me sprung, keep running back to you (keep me runnin' back to you)
Oh I love (I love) making love to you
Say babygirl you know you're my (sexy love...)

Sexy love girl the things you do (sexy love)
Keep me sprung, keep running back to you (runnin' back to you)
Oh I love making love to you
Say babygirl you know you're my (sexy love...)

She makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up
Just one touch

comment edit add

[Wednesday, June 21, 2006 at: 4:26 pm]
its funny how wen u lyk sumone ud do jus about anythin for then.
crazy crazy.
u think they want YOU and YOU alone to show much u care... but thats not exactly the case.
oh wel. il go tomoz.
then thats it.. i think il get over it.
comment edit add

[Sunday, June 18, 2006 at: 10:57 pm]
ive had the worst day today.. :(:(:(
work was jus shit.. annoying customers crappy boss.
i was feeling shit.
and then i got home and my dad goes rank about my lil weight loss type thing.
fkin riddiculous. hes treatin me as if im aneoriexic and im fkin far from it!
i dnt get it.
one minute hes tellin me im fat.. then the next hes tellin me im too skinny.
so now ive apparently made him feel guilty coz stupid me was so fkin pissed off and made it out as if i did lose weight coz of wat he sed even tho its not even true..
him sayin shit lyk that to me only contributes the BIGGER reason by lyk 2%.
im jus so fkin fed up with it all.
and thats why i lost it..
i can make ppl feel real guilty sumtimes.. but then i feel guilty and omg it becomes a whole other issue.
im jus so fkin over this all...
i dnt kno wat to do anymore.
nothings been going right and i feel lyk i complete fool for tellin *ahems* that i lyk him..
so stupid of me.. im quite literally beating myself up over it..
ive never told anyone that i lyked them b4. i dnt kno wtf came over me and wat the hell made me do it
i swear i couldve passed out.
everythings so screwed up atm :(:(:(
i jus want things to be right for once.. jus ONCE plzzzz :(:(:(
im still shitty i told *ahems* i lyk him.. ive never done it b4 so i dnt kno why i did it then!
bad bad bad!
ARGH shoot me
put me out of my misery.
oh dear i feel lyk shit.
i want this day to end. its fkin gay.
worst day ever.
i cried todae..
so my day was pretty shit.
im done.
im out of things to say.

comment edit add

[Tuesday, June 13, 2006 at: 5:14 pm]
OMG. todae.. last night ARGH
WELLL firstly.. my computer blew up :p
actually it short circuted itself.. how i have no idea? MEH
yea soo.. there i was last night kickin the shit out of it thinkin GREAT perfect timing.. one week till my assignments due.. havin an important convo on msn GREAT THANX REALI THANKU! :p
anyway. it then hit me.. my whole life is on this computer.. and i mean that quite literally.. my fotos.. moosic EVERYTHING, its so depressing.
so yea.. i decided a night without my computer was more then torture.. it was excruciatingly difficult to not think about my computer so i made up my mind and said id take the next day off skool to fix my comp.. wel not me fix my comp.. i mean sumone else who knows wat theyre doing.
so thats wat i did todae.. i was gona go parra.. but i mean catchin a bus with ur computer sittin next to u. HA right. no one will notice??
and then id have to walk around lookin for one of thse azn shops that fix comps..
so i screwed that idea right over and got the good old yellow pages out.. thankgod it was the A-L part coz our yellow pages always go missin..
anyway i looked up computer and found that dude fixed computers in toonie..
so i walked over to toonie from pendo with my comp.. prob looked pretty idiotic aswel but meh.. so yea. he fixed it up.. and ti set me back 80 buks.. grr stupid piece of shit.
guess it was good for the excercise but i swear this isnt my week.
my fones fuked. my comp blew up.
AND THEN wen i went to pay for watever he did to it.. i realised i left my card at home.. SO
i went allll the way back home.. got my card.. AND REALISED HAY i can catch a bus down there.
YEAH heaps smart shel. why didnt u think of it earlier??
so i take a guess at wat time the bus might come.. and jus as i walk out the door.. i miss it.
brilliant. well done rachelle excellent work :):)
SO itd take another half hourfor another bus to come down and go to toonie.. i decided to walk it agen.. so im walkin..
i finally arrive..
pay for my comp.
get my comp
and sit down and wait for the bus.
AND that was my highly eventful day.
NOT TO MENTION the whole time i was walking my trackies were jus falling down so i was flashin the whole damn world my lovely polka dotted undies :p im sure everyone enjoyed it :)
welll then i got home.. cleaned up my comp table set it up and im back on agen :):)
im so happy.. and so relaxed now :):)
but then i got sick of the computer and went out and took pics..
fotos are funn.. :):):)
oh welp. thats the end of my day
im still half way through cleaning my room :p
i reall should get back to it and then attempt my assignments yet agen. and maybe save them this time.
imma outties.

love love.

read 2 comment edit add

[Monday, June 12, 2006 at: 5:43 pm]
sOoooo the long weekends over.. and what did i get up to??
sweet fuck all.. trust me to NOT plan my weekend *sighs*
wel.. saturday night i did watch the omen with jenny.. but thats about it??
im soo bored so i thought id update..
hmm.. OMG my dog is wearing clothes!?!?? lmao.. its soo cute.. i shall post a pic up soonish..
wen i get one and wen im bothered :p
todae i had work.. *sighs* i hate work.. i wanna leave.. who the hell stays in the same job for two years?? SERIOUSLY.
my fingers are so frozen atm.
wait.. i lied.. i love work.. wel i loved it todae.. i guess u can say we were all guilty of loitering. lolz
yea wel we were basically do nothing.. coz it wasnt busy?? and we were bitching about everyone else. haha sum things never change :P
OMG alex came in todae.. i got soo excited and jumped on her. ahemz.. so not professional but MEH i missed that gurly.. she goes to the same bloody skool as me and i jus miss her??
i dnt kno how its possible..
anyhooo i old her about *cough* hehe couldnt wipe the massive grin off my face.. lmao so sad.
then she asked me about *cough cough* aka tall dude.. lolz tall dude.. man hes such a bastard.. im happy to say im completely over him and havent thought about him until todae wen she brought him up.
meh i guess i better get sum skool work done.. seeing as ive done absolutely nothing..

anyhoo imma outties.
love love

read 2 comment edit add

BACKNESS [Friday, June 9, 2006 at: 4:21 pm]
im addicted to lj again.. plus i need sumwhere to jus spill my random thoughts.. i think everyones gettin a bit annoyed with me when i start obsessing over the same thing every single day :p
so yea.. my life in the past two months.. or should i say my life so far in this new year..
havent really updated properly.. guess i jus never really had anything to say.. BUT
now i do.. im completely over *cough* :) im assuming most of u would kno who he is..
was hilarious goin back through my entries.. readin what i wrote about him. lolz
oh dear.
my dear Otto the fish died about 3 weeks ago :(:(:(
on the other hand.. my beautiful dog is alive and well :):):)
so yea.. my week so far..
WELL.. last saturday i went out with daniel.
we went to aqua golf.. ohhh the embarrasment.. man i was shamed..:P
twas still fun.. i mean ur day just isnt complete if u dnt get to see me.. shelly shamed at the end of it :p
yea. wel then we went to play that putt putt thingy.. then movies.. and voila end of my night..
twas funnn :D:D:D but most of u would have herd me speak about it at skool. so meh.
hmmm i married abbey on monday :D:D:D:D:D:D:D
we exchanged rings and theyre both beautiful.. its engraved and everything :D:D:D:D
and we now have a new member to our skool groupies.. jordan!
our group jus keeps changing.. but i think its good this time.
gettin my ps is lyk.. the key to freedom.. :D:D:D:D
how exciting..
world cup on tonight.. sumthin to look forward to..
not goin to youth tonight.. theyre goin aqua golf.. id rather not be embarrased tonight.. im feeling way too happy to get further shamed by tony, poza and blah blah blah. so il skip it this week.
i have sooo much homework to do.. i think im gona die.. ive got two assesments.. and i have nfi wtf im ment to do :S.
anyhooo imma outties.. gona clen my room atleast so then i can TRY to start some of it. *sighs*
till tomorrow my loves. :)

comment edit add

[Sunday, April 2, 2006 at: 12:14 am]
ungrateful bitch.
read 2 comment edit add

[Friday, March 31, 2006 at: 8:32 pm]
im not ok.
read 3 comment edit add

[Sunday, March 12, 2006 at: 7:24 pm]
Most of you would know every little thing about me.
What i like, what i dont like..
what i want to do in the future
what my fave colour is
and who my family is...
surprise surprise.. i have 3 other step siblings coming to live with me

i dont kno how i feel about it really.. it feels like my dads asking me to change who i am to be a role model.. to be perfect so that they can grow up perfect.
i hate being told to change, i feel so.. i dont know how the hell i feel.. i jus feel lyk i cant be me.
it took me how long to decide who i wanted to be, and to be told that u cant be that person burns me.
i dnt think im making any sense.
im just so sick of change, so sick of having to adapt to things.
i dont know anymore, ive lost all motivation to TRY to do anything, i dont know what i want to do, i just want to get out.. i dont want to have to deal with all this.. i dont want to be coming home everyday feeling so drained.
i want to get out.. i wish i could get out.
read 38 comment edit add

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]